A Memorial Day Message from the Managing Editor of insideARM.com

Because Monday is Memorial Day, insideARM.com will not publish on May 30.  Even though Memorial Day—Decoration Day (still) for some in the South or for fans of Drive-By Truckers—has largely devolved into a three-day-weekend used to sell Chevys & Hondas, mattresses, big screen TVs, hot dogs, deli counter potato salad and tortilla chips, its original roots lie somewhere else.

Daddy, what did YOU do in the Great War?

My undergraduate mentor was a scholar, a Korean War veteran, a legendary cusser, a connoisseur of the American Western, and a great man known to the fortunate few by his alias: The Leopard.  In the downstairs bathroom of his house on Stringtown Road hung a reproduction of a British WWI promotional poster.

The print depicts a father and his two children—his daughter sits on the man’s lap pointing to a book; his son plays with tin soldiers on the floor.  The caption at the bottom reads, “Daddy, what did YOU do in the Great War?”  The image is ambiguous.  The man’s eyes are unsettled.  Did he do or see terrible things in the war?  Did he not fight?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that Memorial Day always reminds me of the Leopard’s house, and of that print, and that it was damn hard to muster the courage to pee with that haunted man’s eyes staring at me from the frame.

In honor of Memorial Day, I decided to survey the Kaulkin Media team to find out how they planned to spend the holiday weekend.  Here’s what I found out.

Tim Hawk, associate publisher, stared me down and said, “Two words: white pantsuit.”

Jennifer Minges, client marketing specialist, said, “Hot on the heels of inventing the dangerous Internet fad Planking, I’m going to spend the next three days coming up with an even riskier and more gripping craze targeted at the youths of America.”

Stephanie Eidelman, president and publisher, was incredulous. “You didn’t think by “holiday” I meant you guys don’t have to work on Monday, did you?” she said.

Jeff Hearn, web developer/Ok Computer, promised, “I will do nothing for the next 72 hours but finish reading George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire, the basis for the brilliant HBO series Game of Thrones, so that my colleagues—all of whom are riveted by the TV series, can finally discuss it with and in front of me.  This I solemnly swear.”

Patrick Lunsford, senior editor, said, “In an attempt to keep pace with breakneck speed of enforcement actions by West Virginia Attorney General Darrell “Quick Draw” McGraw against the ARM industry, I’m devoting the entire weekend to coming up with verbs synonymous with “to nail” or “to fine” or “to smack down” for  insideARM.com headlines that begin, “State Attorney General…”

Mike Bevel, associate editor & miner of comedy gold, said, “I’m creating an elaborate, 1:17 ratio diorama to commemorate the 100^th Anniversary of the Indianapolis 500. Rather than focus on the cars, however, the diorama will depict and epic singing battle between Carol Brady and Gomer Pyle for the right to claim victory in the best version of Back Home Again in Indiana ever.”

Naveen Hariprasad, senior product marketing manager, said, “I will be watching every single minute of the 11 movies I have yet to see in the canon of the late filmmaker Andy Sidaris, three time winner of the Nobel Prize for Movies that Involve Gratuitous ヌンチャク and Timeless One-Liners.”

The Dogs of War

As for me, I’ll be dressing up my two cats and two dogs in WWI and WWII period costumes—one of each species per side—and pitting them against each other in a carefully choreographed theatrical “Dance of Danger” to determine the most awesome war ever (reenacted by pets). Ever.

Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Michael Klozotsky is the managing editor of insideARM.com.  He failed to interview a single one of his co-workers in researching and writing this story.  The narrative (and all related details) about The Leopard is 100% true.